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Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Red head
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Seven Dwarfs
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested
an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in
to see the Holy Father. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son,"
says the Pope,
"what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers,"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all
of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry
my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and
pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin
chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in
to see the Holy Father. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son,"
says the Pope,
"what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers,"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all
of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry
my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and
pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin
chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Dear
The DEAR A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that t hey won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue. "Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's an ars-hole!!"
Psychic Daughter figures out her father
Psychic Daughter A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
>
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM'
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM'
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Old is When
OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes....
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes....
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
-- Part One
Light travels faster than sound......this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When you go into court......you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people......who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last......thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable......except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword......get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof......to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right......there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end......someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them......five or six at a time......on a hill......in the fog.
If the shoe fits......get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait......will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
( ...and, cute sayings for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisyand ambiguity... )
Don't sweat the petty things......don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a 'non-prophet' organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes......why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman......"Where's the self-help section? "She said if she told me......it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears......does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself......is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers......go to 'get away from it all'?
-- Part One
Light travels faster than sound......this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When you go into court......you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people......who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last......thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable......except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword......get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof......to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right......there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end......someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them......five or six at a time......on a hill......in the fog.
If the shoe fits......get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait......will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
( ...and, cute sayings for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisyand ambiguity... )
Don't sweat the petty things......don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a 'non-prophet' organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes......why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman......"Where's the self-help section? "She said if she told me......it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears......does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself......is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers......go to 'get away from it all'?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
A smart Blonde
Friday, January 18, 2008
An Irish Ghost Story
This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople.
John Bradford , a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the emba! nkment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.
Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John , were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."
John Bradford , a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the emba! nkment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.
Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John , were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."
Tollet Humour
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water (girls do this). This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caughtdoing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Deny all. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm (I've see this..it's not cool boys). Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing does not happen. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water (girls do this). This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caughtdoing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Deny all. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm (I've see this..it's not cool boys). Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing does not happen. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
New Words for 2008
New Words for 2008
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( shit ).
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls - Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a " McShit with Lies ".
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 110kilo in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( shit ).
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls - Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a " McShit with Lies ".
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 110kilo in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Two Nun's
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Bed Sheets
Bed sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had
left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to
the bathroom, he decided the latest episode
was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when
the sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and
ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on
his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing
his (laughter), and who had watched the
whole incident, walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied:
'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!!!'
An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had
left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to
the bathroom, he decided the latest episode
was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when
the sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and
ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on
his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing
his (laughter), and who had watched the
whole incident, walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied:
'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!!!'
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